Barcelona – Real Madrid

1. El Clasico(in English: The Classic.) Not, as Senor Beckham first thought, a particularly flavorsome Spanish choc ice but actually THE GREATEST CLUB GAME IN THE WORLD!EVER!!!

2. A game where anything can, and probably will, happen. The severeed heads of swine will swoop through the air, protestors will charge pitchwards before manacling themselves to the goalposts and, most bizarrely of all, opposition fans will rise to their feet to applaud the genius of their nemesis. You can take your Celtic Rangers mate. This is the big one.

3. Barca captain Puyol returns to their defence and the home team will be hoping their strikers will be able to find the net in front of a passionate Nou Camp after failing to score in their past two games.

4. Real Madrid will be hoping to exact some revenge for the painful three nil defeat they endured at the hands of their oldest rivals earlier in season. Brazilian duo Ronaldo and Robihno lead the attack for Real whilst Gravesen misses out.

5. The Nou Camp is awash with colour tonight as the teams prepare to kick off at the frankly ludicrous local time of ten o clock. Would this kick off time ever be deemed a good idea by police in the UK? Plans to play the Liverpool Manchester United derby at midnight are actually being considered for season 2008 to mark Liverpool's year as City of Culture.

6. Real kick off in their familiar all white strip, Barca in their red and blue.

7. 1'

   Real forage up the park and Beckham links with Cicihno to win a throw in. Valdes claims the ball fromthe resulting cross.

8. 2'

   Barca attack through van Bommel and Casillas scampers across to save his long range shot.

9. 3'

   Barca build patiently from the back before Ronaldihno shows delighful feet and opens up the Real defence with a great pass over the top. Van Bommel tries to lob the goalkeeper but sends his effort wide when he should have scored.

10. 4'

    Beckham links well again with Cicinho but he overhits his pass and it drifts harmlessly out.

11. 5'

    Iniesta is fouled by Zidane in the middle of the park and Barca work the ball upfield. Real win it back and harass Puyol in to conceding a throw in.

12. 6'

    Van Bommel concedes a free kick about fifty yards from goal and Beckham sends a great ball in. Unfortunately for Real some naughty so and so is pushing in the crowd of players and they are penalised.

13. 7'

    Now Barca have a free kick at the other end. Ronaldinho fires in a shot cum cross but either his teammates don't read his genius idea correctly or he messes it up. Take your pick.

14. 9'

    Larsson slips the ball to Deco on the edge of the Real area and his shot fails to trouble Casillas sufficiently.

15. 10'

    Barca spreading it nicely around the(immaculate) Nou Camp pitch. Van Bommel is finaly nudged in the back by Baptista and he concedes a free kick.

16. 11'

    Ronaldinho stands over the ball. The Brazilian sizes up the five man wall....before hitting it right at them.

17. 12'

    Eto'o scurries past two defenders challenges before hitting a shot from the edge of the area which Casillas does very well to get down and save.

18. 13'

    Deco is warned after a late challenge on Baptista.

19. 14'

    Free kick to Real which Guti takes. Roberto Carlos beats Larsson but he then looks for a free kick which is not forhtcoming.

20. 15'

    Ronaldinho nutmegs Guti and hits a fierce shot which is well blocked by Raul Bravo.

21. 16'

    Sergio Ramos is pulled up for a foul from behind on Eto'o. Ramos showing his inexperience there.

22. 17'

    Ronaldo is bodychecked by Motta and scythed to the floor. A yellow card should have been prodced there.

23. 18'

    Ronaldinho in a great position in the Real penalty area but he selflessly plays a pass to Eto'o which falls just behind him. A good opportunity wasted.

24. 19'

    Good play from Iniesta who links well with Van Bommel.

25. 19'

    PENALTY

26. 19'

    Van Bommel is fouled needlessly by Roberto Carlos and the Dutchman makes the most of it. However, the decision stands.

27. 20'

    Carlos is now booked for time wasting.

28. 20'

    GOAL

29. 20'

    A wonderfully cool penalty from Ronaldinho who sends Casillas diving completely the wrong way. A perfect penalty.

30. 21'

    That was Ronaldinho's twenty third goal of the season.

31. 22'

    Beckham tries to work the ball in to the danger zone but his cross is dealt with by Puyol.

32. 23'

    Barca look very comfortable on the ball and are knocking the ball about with panache. Real eventually foul LArsson on the edge of the penalty area and BArca have a free kick.

33. 26'

    Oh dear oh dear Roberto Carlos you silly, over optimistic free kick taking man you. Not content with a booking and conceding the penalty to which his team now trail, the Brazilian 'defender' decides to question the referee's decision making and is promptly shown another yellow card. Real are down to ten men already.

34. 25'

    After all that, Barca waste the free kick.

35. 27'

    Ronaldo, looking game enough tonight, tries to weave his manly bulk through the Barca defence but is met with the imposing figure of Carlos Puyol who blocks his path.

36. 29'

    Barca are knocking the ball around with consumate ease. They almost seem to be trying to tire Real out already.

37. 30'

    Ronaldinho tries to slide a ball through to Eto'o but Real deal with the pass well.

38. 31'

    Deco shows fine skill in the Real penalty area and then lifts a ball in to Eto'o who doesn't connect with enough power to force Casillas in to a difficult save.

39. 32'

    Ronaldinho does a couple of stepovers and feeds Eto'o again who is challenged befopre he can hit a shot. Barcelona are all over Real now.

40. 33'

    Van Bommel has hurt Casillas in a one on one challenge and is booked for his trouble. Brave goalkeeping from Casillas.

41. 34'

    Mejia is on for Real and Robinho is off.

42. 35'

    A long range shot from Van Bommel skims Casillas crossbar.

43. 36'

    GOAL

44. 36'

    Out of the blue, Real split the Barca defence and Ronaldo does brilliantly to speed past Motta and execute a wonderful chip over Valdes. To make things worse for Barca, Motta seems to have torn his hamstring trying to keep up with Ronaldo. Game on.

45. 36'

    Motta has been stretchered off so it is momentarily ten a side.

46. 38'

    Van Bommel and Eto'o do well down the left and Deco goes to ground a bit too easily to win Barca a free kick.

47. 39'

    Belletti is on for Motta.

48. 39'

    Ronaldinho takes the free kick but the rather expensive wall assembled in front of him blocks his effort.

49. 40'

    Ronaldinho has another chance but blazes his shot high over the Real crossbar.

50. 41'

    Ronaldinho hits a low hard cross in to the Real box but it is hastily cleared by Ramos.

51. 42'

    Eto'o tries to second guess LArsson's intentions but it all goes horribly wrong. Unless you are Iker Casillas who gratefully cleans up their mess.

52. 43'

    Beckham and Cicihno again link well and force Barca to concede a throw deep in their half.

53. 44'

    Barca regain possession but Ronaldinho shows uncharacteristically poor touch to lose the ball for a throw in.

54. 45'

    Two minutes of play to be added on.

55. 45'

    Van Bommel tries another long range effort which swerves wide of Casillas' post.

56. 47'

    HALF TIME

57. 47'

    Up until Real equalised you could not see beyond the home team stretching their lead, but Ronaldo's goal has opened up the hitherto unlikely scenario of Real performing some sort of comeback. Much may depend on the galvanizing effects of their manager's half time team-talk.

58. 45'

    Real finally make it back out on to the turf for the second half after keeping Barca waiting. The manager obviously had words of wisdom to impart during the interval.

59. 45'

    Barca kick off. They will be looking to use their one man advantage in this half.

60. 45'

    Barca are on the offensive immediately and Ronaldinho sidesteps Ramos before shooting well wide.

61. 47'

    Van Bronckhurst has the name 'Geo' emblazoned on the back of his shirt so if the Barca kitman can not be bothered to call him by his surname neither shall I for the duration of this match.

62. 48'

    Eto'o hits a shot which goes just wide of Casillas' right hand post.

63. 49'

    Ronaldo is off the pitch for treatment. Now he is back on.

64. 50'

    Baptista has a half chance after a long ball is hoisted into the Barca area. He leans back too far though and mishits the ball.

65. 51'

    Mejia goes down like a sack of sssspuds when challenged by Ronaldinho and his duplicity is rewarded with a free kick

66. 52'

    Larsson chases a ball from Deco which he just can't reach. A few years agao maybe.

67. 54'

    Giuly is stripped off and ready for action. So to speak.

68. 55'

    Eto's shows nice skill through the middle but can't find a way past the Real scrum of players.

69. 56'

    Giuly comes on for Van Bommel. Barcelona now have four strikers on the pitch.

70. 57'

    Ronaldinho skips past Guti and seems to be obstructed but the referee waves away their protests.

71. 58'

    Casillas has to come charging out to deal with a Barca ball which drifts over the heads of his defenders.

72. 59'

    Larsson squares the ball to Ronaldinho on the eighteen yard line but the Brazilian's shot is way off the target.

73. 60'

    Fine wing play from Belletti but his cross is cleared well by the head of Sergio Ramos.

74. 60'

    Ronaldo shows great determination to get in to Barca's area but then gives up and tries to persuade the referee he has been fouled when he should have concentrated on the ball.

75. 61'

    Giuly is barged off the ball and Barca have a free kick in a dangerous spot. Ronaldinho takes a quick one and evades the wall but does not hit the target.

76. 63'

    Larsson does brilliantly well to turn two Real defenders before being crowded off the ball in the Real penalty area.

77. 64'

    Gravesen is preparing to come on.

78. 65'

    Barca have a lot of players forward but Eto'o cannot find any of them. Real now attack through Baptista.

79. 65'

    Beckham's ball from the right hand touchline goes straight to the keeper.

80. 66'

    Larsson has a one on one with Casillas and tries to nutmeg him but fails to beat the Spanish goalkeeper. A great chance wasted by Larsson.

81. 67'

    Barca are almost being too flippant with their finishing, a trait they displayed midweek against Benfica.

82. 67'

    Ronaldo is booked for throwing himself theatrically to the floor after performing a wonderful Cryuff turn on Oleguer (are Cryuff turns called something else down Real Madrid way?Answers on a postcard.) The two sides of the man shown there.

83. 70'

    The referee just fell over. It was really, really funny.

84. 72'

    Casillas makes another great save.....but it doesn't really count cos the ref had blown up. Barca should have been given an advantage because Deco was clearly fouled.

85. 73'

    Another free kick in a dangerous position for Barca. Surely Ronaldinho has to connect with one of these?

86. 74'

    The referee has booked Baptista for not retreating the requisite distance.

87. 74'

    The free kick hits the wall but Ronaldinho blasts it straight back at Casillas who makes another great save. Julio Baptista then just reaches the ball before Larsson can bury it past the Real keeper. Corner to Barca.

88. 75'

    Ronaldinho hits a good corner in but Real clear it. The next ball in to the Real box is met with a bullet header from Larsson which goes straight at Casillas.

89. 76'

    Baptista again fouls Deco and Barca have yet another free kick in a dangerous area.

90. 77'

    Ronaldinho fails to clear the wall and it's another corner for Barca. Ronaldinho's free kicks have been poor tonight. Corner to Barca.

91. 78'

    From the corner Iniesta's shot flies well wide of the Real goal.

92. 79'

    Yet another corner to Barcelona. Iniesta hits a swerving shot in but Raul Bravo clears with his head...for another corner.

93. 80'

    Puyol and Sergio Ramos clash heads. Ouch. Hopefully the flowing locks of both men will have cushioned the blow somewhat.

94. 80'

    A man is on the pitch. And he shouldn't be. he is now being led off by several angry looking security guards.

95. 82'

    Barca have failed to make their numerical advantage count in this half and have found Casillas in sparkling form.

96. 83'

    Another corner from Barca is well defended once more by Real. Barca fans were screaming for a handball but it appeared to strike Gravesen's thigh.

97. 84'

    At the other end Beckham hits a ball in to the box and two white figures throw themselves to the ground hopefully. Pathetic.

98. 85'

    Real Madrid really need to score another goal. A draw is no good for them.

99. 87'

    David Beckham has been cautioned.

100. 88'

     Puyol is off and and Gabri is on for Barcelona.

101. 89'

     Ronaldinho nearly hits a fine pass in to the path of the on-rushing Belletti but the ball is hit just too far ahead of him.

102. 90'

     Another corner for Barca as Bellettis half-heartedly plays it against Ramos. The corner which follows is wasted.

103. 90'

     Belletti hits a great ball in to the six yard box and Larsson has a free header from six yards out which he steers wide of the Real goal. Larsson is furious with himself and so he should be. That's two great chances he has missed tonight.

104. 90'

     FULL TIME

105. 90'

     A decent showing from ten man Real but Barcleona will, once again, be wondering how they have not won the game. Real's defence, and Casillas in particular, had a large say in the lack of goals for the home side but some rather nonchalant finishing from Barcelona has cost them all three points. If Barcelona don't rediscover their goalscoring form on tuesday night when Benfica visit it could make for an interesting evening.

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